You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
