her vagina looked like bernie madoff
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
