Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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