I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
