was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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