sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
