Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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