I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
