I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize