Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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