Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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