Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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