It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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