he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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