Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
