You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
