i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
