In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this boner is exhausting
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
