She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
