when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
