he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
