Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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