Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
