I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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