I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
smell my finger.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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