The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
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I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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