I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
