im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
