So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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