Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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