my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He keeps bees of course he's weird
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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