I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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