What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
