Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
