I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
