I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
