I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
