tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
this boner is exhausting
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
