So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
