I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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