Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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