I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
