everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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