mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
