I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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