My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
