you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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