Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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