So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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