I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
