You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
