6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
