Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
