she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
