Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
