Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
