his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I AM VODKA MAN
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
