saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I will pee on everything he values.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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