I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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